If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
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Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.
Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.
The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.
Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon
I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.
inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome
GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.
BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
love pickles so much i put myself in one
pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here
Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it