Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
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*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
the prophecies have been fulfilled
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?
[ER visits, by age]
Doctor: How did this happen?
Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!
[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
I hate my earbuds.
Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…
Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS
This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.
Boom! Zing! This is free content!
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
dude it’s called proctologist
Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
in the mid 20s liminal space where if u entertain dinner guests half the people r gonna bring a $30 bottle of natural wine and beautiful salad the other half are going to bring themselves and the largest bag of flamin hot cheetos u have ever seen
my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
[first date]
Him: What are you passionate about?
Me: *bats eyelashes* Taxidermy.
Him: Animals?
Me: Haha. Sure…
My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.