“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
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Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”
What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.
Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit
PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
Him: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that expensive Bordeaux blend.”
Her: “No! We’re saving that one for a special occasion.”
Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
Vanilla Ice: if there was a problem, yo I’ll solve it…
[Guy from back of concert]: why did my dad leave?
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-
DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.
If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.