I want what they have
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Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?
Just me?
[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*
My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.
Life Hack: Get a dog and a cat and name them Resident and Occupant. Now that junkmail isn’t annoying, it’s adorable.
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have
SCOOBY DOO: rabies
SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant
A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”
– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise
Medium: You want to contact your late husband?
Me: Yes.
Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?
Me: OMG it’s him.
CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
Watched a guy buy several single bananas at various stages of ripeness (instead of a bunch). Realized I was in the presence of genius.
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.
If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.
You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
If she’s playing Wheel of Fortune, and has “_ONAL_ _UCK” left to win $8500, then she wants the D
Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.