#have a #great #PancakeDay
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The honesty is refreshing
*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok
I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.
Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight
Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead
Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack
Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together
Him: “Are you single?”
Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”
Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”
Flavor Flav: do you know what time it is?
Audience: WOOOOOOOOO
Flavor Flav: I SAID DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?
Me: *normal speaking voice* 9.37pm
wife and kids are threatening to remove me from the family group chat because my Android is messing it up and now I’m certain that I made the right phone choice
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
when mom throws a party…
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.
My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.
“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment
Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.
Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?
I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
Palm trees are beautiful but you wouldn’t want one on your team in a rap battle, they’re absolutely useless at throwing shade.
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?