Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?
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cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy
Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.
Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies
Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.
My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”
I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.
It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.
“I’ll NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.
Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline
Narrator: The Blue Ringed Octopus while cute, is not recommended for the home aquarist. No larger than a golf ball, it contains enough venom to kill 26 humans. Handling one would result in certain death.
Me: I need one
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
The point of your 20s
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with
“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
When I have to reset my microwave it requires I put in the time, day, month and YEAR, why do you need to know the year you self important kitchen appliance, heat the coffee like it’s 1995 it’s the same to me
My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”