It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.

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[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity


ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.

HER: There’s not even a bed in here.

ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*

HER: Holy shit!


“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”

Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea


Cop: Ma’am can you describe the panty thief?

Her: White male, early 40s, overweight

Me from the closet: Husky, I prefer to be called husky


Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.


[on a stakeout]

COP: did you bring your walkie talkie

ME: no but I do have a runny nosey


Whatever snack my kid doesn’t finish in her lunchbox, I just leave in there.

By Friday, she’s got a Golden Corral style buffet.