It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.
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cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?
Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.
[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water
Toddler: *listening to song*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *takes a nap*Me: FINALLY! A break from that —
Brain: I’ll take it from here.
April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox
My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.
ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it
Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.
I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season
When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
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him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.
And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.
Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health
Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower
My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.