Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.

My love for my kids is like my data plan:

Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.

Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef

[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille

No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.

I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.

As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.

I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.

What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies

Dad: Want a donut?

Me: YES!

Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.

Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.

As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu

We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.

[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]

Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.

Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.

God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”

Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”

[camping]

“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”

-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.

These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.

I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more

her: i’m breaking up with u

me: we can work this out Linda

her: it’s Lydia

Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.

i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck

[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.

The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood

Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.

Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*

friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection

[later]

guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?

me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way

“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”

-me as a babysitter

(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?

[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?