@CrackedIllusion

It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.

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@vonTraphaus

[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity

@truegritrumble

ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.

HER: There’s not even a bed in here.

ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*

HER: Holy shit!

@ericsshadow

“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”

Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea

@jollyrobber

Cop: Ma’am can you describe the panty thief?

Her: White male, early 40s, overweight

Me from the closet: Husky, I prefer to be called husky

@TheCatWhisprer

Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.

@ShortSleeveSuit

[on a stakeout]

COP: did you bring your walkie talkie

ME: no but I do have a runny nosey

@Marlebean

Whatever snack my kid doesn’t finish in her lunchbox, I just leave in there.

By Friday, she’s got a Golden Corral style buffet.