It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.
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Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.
Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille
No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.
I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
Dad: Want a donut?
Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.
Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.
As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.
Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.
God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”
“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”
-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
her: i’m breaking up with u
me: we can work this out Linda
her: it’s Lydia
Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.
i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection
guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?
me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way
“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”
-me as a babysitter
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?