I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
You Might Also Like
When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”
Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.
Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway
Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit
Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit
shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday
It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing
I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.
Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*
Him: *puts bacon in the oven*
Me: You win
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL
Writers will call anything menacing and I’m just supposed to accept it. “A menacing wind” “a menacing howl in the distance”. Just say you’re scared of wind and corgis. Don’t try to convince me it’s reasonable.
Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.
[Record Shop]
Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?
Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.
I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?
Just because they call the 20yr high school reunion Prom 2.0 doesn’t mean you should wear your prom dress. I know this now.