Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-
Some guy: Be rich?
Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it
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Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.
can’t talk my ride’s here
I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.
[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH
Me: lmao go ahead I can take it
Townspeople: you have a dumb face
Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it
My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.
[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?
Me: Well, we have a problem.
Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.
Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.
Cop: License?
Me: Here.
Cop: Sir this is a notecard with “Liscence” on it. And above that you wrote and crossed out “Lysense” and “Lisance.”
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
doctor: and are u sexually active
puppet: he is not
doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth
me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not
[Veterans Hospital]
GRAMPS {waking from 72 year coma caused by D-Day head injury}: Did we beat the Nazis?
ME: Haha, well…interesting story
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”
News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”
They have hover bears?
jealous again
3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.
Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.
I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…
doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage
me: did i break my legs?
doctor: it was only 5 feet
me: and they’re ALL broken?!
H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?
M: Can I wear my tiara?
H: I’d rather you not
M: Then no thanks
[husband leaves]
M: *whispers* works every time