I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.
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When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
My favorite oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.
ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key
My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.
[at the sistine chapel]
me: *raising my hand at the back of the tour group* so where are chapels one through fifteen
tour guide: *angry italian noises*
Him: How was your day?
Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?
Him: *opens four bottles of wine*
*seductively takes off winter coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.
*Me, stepping out of a time machine with Pheidippides* : See, people now run marathons for fun
Pheidippides: Marathons… the unbearable 26 miles I ran desperately during war, after which I died?
Me: lol yeah people eat waffles after
Me: I’ve got distressed genes.
Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.
M: Have you met my family?
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
AMERICA, EVERY WEEKEND: I just wanna Netflix and Chill lol.
THE WEEKEND EVERYONE NEEDS TO STAY INSIDE: It’s my God-given right to go outside and lick whatever I want.
After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT
Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing??
What about that really cool hashtag we made?
They didn’t free them when they saw it??
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.
-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.
Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.
Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
Breaking news:
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!