By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.
-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable
You Might Also Like
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God
[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”That’s a stray gerbil.
“And those fish??”
…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication
showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut
I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario
One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked
What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru
My kids love when I tell them the story of how I became the hide and seek champion. The year was 1995, and I was playing hide and seek with my dad. I went outside and got on the roof. He couldn’t find me. After an hour of looking for me, he called the cops. Yeah… I got spanked.
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand
me: how do i access the wifi
fa: im doing safety announcements
me: is that lowercase
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.
Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday
Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.