Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
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The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY
me: how did he die?
him: he was attacked by a gang of geese
me: gaggle?
him: no I think it was a stabbing
Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!
I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.
GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me
ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.
Who wore it best? #Oscars2015
[making flamingos]
God: bird.
Adam: got it.
G: but it stand still a lot.
A: ok..
G: on one leg.
A: how high are you?
G: make it pink.
IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]
Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.
So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
[Pulled over by cops]
Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!
Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT
dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.