dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven
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*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?
Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*
alfred: you have lung cancer
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman:
alfred:
batman: *reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir, no
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.
just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch
dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
when ur mom took the xbox away because you got a D- on ur report card and you went to your room, slammed the door, and turned this song up to full volume on the radioshack speakers so the whole family knew you were gonna be full of angst for the next several days
Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*
SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York
ME: It’s The Hudson
HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.
WIFE: Oh ffs
I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.
*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*
May it please the Court.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.
Me: Goodnight Moon.
Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?
God has abandoned us.
I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.
Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!
My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday
I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.
“Morning, how was your weekend?”
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun
What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.