when ur mom took the xbox away because you got a D- on ur report card and you went to your room, slammed the door, and turned this song up to full volume on the radioshack speakers so the whole family knew you were gonna be full of angst for the next several days
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1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
me: we named you after our favorite films
paul blart: i hate you
wife: you should be proud of your names
paul blart 2: you’re monsters
In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees
class: OOOOH
[opens hawk cage]
class: AAAHHH
[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.
And bowling should be called pinball
*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win
At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.
If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
genie: your first wish?
me: lemme get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: let me get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
[Family BBQ]
Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!
Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
[god creating hotdogs]
inflate that worm