when ur mom took the xbox away because you got a D- on ur report card and you went to your room, slammed the door, and turned this song up to full volume on the radioshack speakers so the whole family knew you were gonna be full of angst for the next several days
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Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries
Chess is my favourite game but I donāt play favourites
pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if youāre so cold, you naked moron
Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
Just had a marijuanapiphany:
Xbox 360.
360Ā° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.
hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to
Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
Š never thought Š wouId say thŃs, and Ńt took me a whŃle to come to terms, but Š thŃnk Š ate too much bacon.
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.
[Standing still for a picture]
I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.
Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
It sucks when youāre stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea whatās going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.
Bay: come over
Me: no, I’m watching TMNT
Bay: I made one too
Me: but it’s awful
Bay: come watch it
Me: who gave you my number, Michael
MUGGER: Empty your pockets!
ME: But these are cargo shorts.
(45 min later)
ME: That’s the left one
MUGGER: Seriously.
ME: I am SO sorry
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text š”
wwe: These are trained professionals please donāt try this at home
Me and my siblings:
When my wife wanted to have a second child – her exact words were āitās just rinse and repeatā.
To this day thatās still the funniest joke sheās ever told.
How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down
THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap
ME *traps wasp under a cup*
MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*
ME: no
MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*
i have lived through 30 winters and iām somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.
Airport Security: Please remove your shoes
Man: Don’t be ridiculous, I’m no terrorist
AS: Sir, do you want to use the bouncy castle or not?
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?
14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal