I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
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I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.
[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-
Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one
The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.
Me: What were you doing earlier?
13: Resting so I could stay up late.
You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.
It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
[stop light]
It will turn green in
5
4
3
2
1..
And
Now
It
Will
Turn
Greeeeeeeen
*turns green*
Ah yes nailed it.
Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW
my ex boyfriend’s cousin’s girlfriend just followed me from her alt Instagram account . I’ve still got the juice 😎
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
Being made to smoke a whole packet of cigarettes is wasted as a punishment for getting caught smoking. I should be made to smoke cigarettes whenever I do anything wrong.
*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”
Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?
“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.