Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW
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app: do u want me to notify u
me: of what
app: of me
me: i know about u
app: this is to remind u
me: don’t need that
app: ok let’s discuss again later
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!
[20 years later]
mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,
and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.
Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.
*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.
Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.
“I hope this email finds you well”
The email finding me
Toddler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish cakes.
Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: ……. Sure.
PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.
Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”
According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”
I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
[writing my will]
me: what is cremation
lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash
me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu
I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary
Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.