Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW
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Florida be like…
Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
“Extra cheese”
Extra! Extra! More cheese!!
“No olives”
Breaking! Hold on the olives!
~Ex-Newsie working at Subway
Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
Date: I enjoy living here, but I do miss West Virginia
Me: *excited* MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Would you please stop doing that every time I say West Virg-
Me: MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Ugh, please just take me home
Me: *ecstatic* COUNTRY ROOOADS
I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”
Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!
Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no
Boss: Are you asleep?
Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off
B: That’s unacceptable!
M: I apologised, didn’t I ?
B: And where are your pants?
M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked
Friend: Here, eat this molten ball of sugar that will definitely burn your mouth
Me: No way
Friend: what if I sandwich it between graham crackers and put a small peice of Chocolate inside?
Me: Yes, that sounds delightful