Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW![]()
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*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:
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Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
Me: I don’t care if schools open, you’re not going.
13: I am going! You’re not using this as an opportunity to live out your homeschool mom fantasies.
Me: Please. My fantasies involve boarding schools. Get over yourself.
Boss: did you turn your office into a ball pit?
Me [rising from the bottom of the ball pit] this could’ve been an email
me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
Dating Tips
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5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
[taking my date for a walk in the woods]
HER: this sure is a dense forest
ME [trying to impress]: yeah it’s dumb as hell
Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.
Me: Can you take off the avocado?
Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.
Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.
Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub
16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’
Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’
16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
This could be us, but you weedin’.
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If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.
The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.
The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.
My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.
He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.
I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.
In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.
Next time someone slides into your dm asking for a pic send a pic of your bills
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my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
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I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
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Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day*
Priest:
Me:
Priest: Look she might come back