Next time someone slides into your dm asking for a pic send a pic of your bills
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Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…
Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.
*security drags me away*
Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!
Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup
Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me:
Her:
Me: -dramatic pauses?
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.
“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it
After hand washing your cat, put up to dry
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If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”
On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.
[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that
[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
at ease…shoulder.
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.
Instagram: look how pretty everything is
Facebook: look how easy everything is
Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest
Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”