My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out
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I always wonder if dogs secretly hate playing fetch. If they’re like “these idiot humans keep losing their sticks & it’s up to me to go find them”
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
The woman doing my nails said the last person did a terrible job and I should start coming to her instead.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*
*puts on ballerina shoes*
*puts on ballerina tiara*
Me: Who are you supposed to be?
4: A ninja.
Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!
Me: What?
13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.
Me:
13: Oh wait, that’s French.
I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.