Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
You Might Also Like
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways
him: I love animals, especially dogs
me: *I could really like him*
him: birds too
me: *he’s dead to me*
[me as a drug dealer]
Me: wanna buy some acid?
Guys: yeah, whaddya got?
Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic
Guys: (stab me repeatedly)
My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex
Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
If I’m busy and see an interesting article, I open it in a new tab, read the first paragraph, and later, when I have time, close the tab
being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.
Wedding invites are always like: we reserved a block of hotel rooms at a discounted rate of $3,000 a night so book soon! No kids so please leave them at home or in the car. Also the closest airport is 4 hours away. Can’t wait to celebrate our love with you!
I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?
Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
Girlfriend, catching my gaze: What are you thinking?
Me [still furiously trying to work out why the frog in Frogger dies when it goes in water, and why the Flintstones celebrated Christmas]: Just how right everything feels when I’m with you.
I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had
“what’s it like having a sister?”
Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.
I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰
ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?
SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.