Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
You Might Also Like
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
Don’t we all.
Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
( •_•)
( •_•)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Just take a day off
If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.
—cats in Christmas trees
“Bro I hate my eyebrows”
“You serious bro?”
“I think they’re too big, bro”
“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”
“Bro :’)”
[God creating the stingray]
Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
(2022)
Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:
LINCOLN
Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
Sometimes? I’m slipping
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.
The most successful people I’ve met:
1. Go to work early
2. Stay late
3. Walk home to save money
4. Meet devil at crossroads
5. Trade soul for ability to play fiddle
6. Music career
7. Death, hell
8. Challenge devil to fiddling competition
9. Defeat devil
10. Ascend hell’s throne
Remember folks 😂
FRIEND 1: wanna see a pic of my cat
ME: yes!
FRIEND 2: wanna see a pic of my bird
ME: yes!
FRIEND 3: wanna see a pic of my dog
ME: omg yes!
FRIEND 4: wanna see a pic of my baby
ME: ugh fine