Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
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*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner
WIFE: what the hell happened here?
ME: i broke an egg
[earlier]
ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit
I don’t care if my kids are literally performing demon-summoning incantations in their rooms after bedtime as long as they stay in there.
a badder mouse
they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon
Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.
Torturer: just tell me what I need know
Me: NEVER
Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*
Me: OKAY I’ll talk
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?
girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder
her: lol like what
me: well, most of its grandmas
her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see
This is always good for a laugh.
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.
[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.
I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
Before I check out of my hotel room, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb
[first day on the job at a mattress store]
Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.
Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.