I don’t care if my kids are literally performing demon-summoning incantations in their rooms after bedtime as long as they stay in there.
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The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.
Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.
@funTweeters
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.
Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
Wise advice
Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there
The best way to avoid unnecessary arguments with your sexual partner is by agreeing the price in writing before you start.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
I’m very proud that I built my house completely by myself, with no help or prior experience. I often stand outside, hands on hips, just basking in the accomplishment. (Can’t go inside, EXTREMELY unsafe)
Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.
Have a nice day 🙂
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother
*Knocks down spider web*
Spider: Rude
*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*
Spider: Unbelievable
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
[screaming into the void]
MARCO
pictures of spider-man
People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?