I’m very proud that I built my house completely by myself, with no help or prior experience. I often stand outside, hands on hips, just basking in the accomplishment. (Can’t go inside, EXTREMELY unsafe)
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Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
There are two kinds of people.
Try not to be either one of them.
We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.
she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
ME: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: I have a boyfriend.
ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.
Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize
If owned an Italian restaurant, in October I would change the menu to say “fettucine afraido” and “garlic dread” and “boocatini”. I would go out of business, but it would be worth it.
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
*3yo’s birthday*
Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?
3yo: ok *blows hard*
Me: great job
3yo: great blow job
Me:
3yo: ?
Me: …. just eat the cake
Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys
Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size
Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?
-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks
Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.
*has no idea what a book even is*
The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.
this independent good boy don’t need no human
So I neutered my car yesterday
“You, what?”
Neutered my car
“…”
It’s another word for fixed
“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
I hugged my husband when he got home from work and he seemed nervous. I knew something was off. The scent on his shirt smelled familiar then it hit me he cheated on me with my favorite restaurant. He smelled like shame and garlic bread.
I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.