If owned an Italian restaurant, in October I would change the menu to say “fettucine afraido” and “garlic dread” and “boocatini”. I would go out of business, but it would be worth it.
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really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people
a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.
wife: what did i ask you to do?
me: buy the name-brand repellent
wife: and what did you do?
me: i bought the cheap stuff
wife: you bought the cheap stuff
me: it was half the-
wife: and what do we have now?
me: *sigh* we have elephants
wife: we have elephants
Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.
Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?
Me: What?
Brain: Eat brownies about it.
Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.
what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.
If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
My wife has the worst taste in men.
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
“You make your own luck!”
– Lucky People
honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office
This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.
Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!
Henchman: In the h-
K: In the stomach, yes!
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”
Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.
Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.
Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*
*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”
Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.
Wife: Don’t you mean for?
Me: Sure. That too.