This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.
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[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!
[robbing Whole Foods]
“All the cash in a bag NOW!”
100% organic reusable bag ok?
“Yes!”
[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag
Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?
Paid. Gamer. Leave.
Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.
COP: *draws gun*
PARTNER: *looking over his shoulder* Someone needs to go to art school. Looks like a platypus.
I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.
Coworker: You look angry.
Me: I’m not.
CW: Really angry.
Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE
Got a new washer and dryer today, and I’ve been doing laundry all day long. I’ve washed everything that can be washed. Getting ready to go ask the neighbors for their laundry now.
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha
Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.
I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
Me, about to be kicked out of a convention for the American Society of Egyptologists
“As we all know, the pyramids were built by the Pharaoh convincing two people to begin work, and those two people in turn convincing two people each. Then those four people each convinced
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’
Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap
Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
Bartender: What can I get you?
Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?
Bartender:
Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?
Bartender:
Me: Beer.
My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.
[at restaurant]
me, in my head: i want the pasta. i want the pasta. i want the pasta.
waiter: what can i get you?
me: *scrambling to open menu* uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’ll have the uhhhhhhhhhh