Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
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Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent
Twitter: Worchest… Worce… Woostishire, haha this word is so hard to spell, am I right?
Also Twitter: GIMME ALL THE SRIRACHA
Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
Good morning, here are some ABBA songs that could also be about Mario:
• Mamma Mia
• Money, Money, Money
• Super Trooper
• Name of the Game
• I’ve Been Waiting For You
• The Winner Takes It AllPlease let me know if there are any more.
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
Me: *trying to handle work crisis before I’m fully awake, phone binging with apology texts from various people*
Person on phone: I’m so sorry this landed in your lap. I missed it. They missed it. We all missed it. Now it’s your problem and…Are you…did you just…growl at me?
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
*looking in The Mirror of Erised*
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
God: you’re very small.
Ant: ok.
God: but really strong.
Ant: how strong?
God: you can-
Ant: can I lift a piano?
God: well-no.
Ant: can I lift a car?
God: no.
Ant: can I lift a-
God: you can lift a leaf.
Ant: [visibly upset] but everyone can do that.
People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.
*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it
I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”
I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?
Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.
Me: And?
Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.
*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.
we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.
robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*
*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th
Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’
But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’
So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit