I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
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My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.
*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*
5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.
I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
What I say:
Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the carWhat my kids hear:
Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop
I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms
I’m not saying I’m the best husband, but I did perfectly time placing my dirty dish in the sink just as my wife was finishing up washing the dishes.
DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.
ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
They say children are our future, but when the wifi went out and my son didn’t know how to turn off a lamp, I’m not so sure about this.
There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
the youtube algorithm is good because you’ll watch a video about hamburgers and for 6 weeks you’ll get recommended videos like Why Hamburgers Ain’t Liberal and Ted Cruz Destroys Libtard Eating Hamburger and Joe Rogan Describes Hamburgers On Astral Plane
Doc: So where’d you get your stage name?
Prince Charming: This is my real name
Doc: Right
Grumpy: Sounds legit *rolls eyes*
Prince Charming: You doubt me? I saved your beloved Snow White!
Doc: You made out with an unconscious lady
Prince Charming:
Grumpy: Charming indeed
*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car
[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.
Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car