My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
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Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]
My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team
My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.
Stop, drop, and roll but for flame wars:
Stop – and think about it, you don’t even know this angry person.
Drop – your ego, and just go with it. You think I’m trash? Neat. Thanks.
Roll – away from any further discussion by muting or blocking
wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
The Others (2001)
If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is
My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay
Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”
Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”
Me (checks watch): “1985.”
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Dracula: Every day
Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.
Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
2 years later
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing
If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.
Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia
Them: how are you?
Me: anxiety riddled and cute as a button… but like, a button that’s been at the bottom of a sewing bag since your grandma was in home ec
If you’re testing me, we failed.