It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing

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BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*

CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*


ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*


I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.


WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind

ME: Duh

[later at party]

ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?


me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?

priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific


If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.


As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.


obsessed w/ the woman in line telling her life story. she hasn’t seen her daughter (annie) or grandkids in 3yrs bc they’re in australia. annie met her hubby in hawaii while surfing. she’s had trouble w/ the neighbors lately but that’s annie, she’ll find it wherever she goes


Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.