It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing
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Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts
Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be
I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
Pixar: How did you get past security?
Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-
Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?
Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good
I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.
Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.
CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.
ME: Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy these chocolates.
HER: Ugh, these are all coconut. Did you get me anything else?
ME: *awkwardly hands her a bouquet of coconuts*
“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
They found Richard III’s skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.
academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you
Me: No more talking. Good night.
10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?
I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
[on the club dancefloor]
DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED
ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin