@11111234567890a

It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing

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@darksideang

My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with

@Kathleen_McGee

The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together

@Brianhopecomedy

I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.

@TheOnion

Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’

@XplodingUnicorn

My daughter’s school was closed for fog.

Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”

@GrantTanaka

“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”

-Unorganized Crime

@JosesLovesYou

*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.

@pleatedjeans

[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK

@AimeeHelene1

Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.