I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
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Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
In medieval Europe, it was pretty easy to amass vast armies eager to go into battle and have their heads schwacked off because no one wanted to be alive in medieval Europe.
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
[in car on a road trip]
Me (checks clock): 5:07
*reads for a bit*
*scrolls emails*
*searches for radio station*
*eats a snack*
*knits a sweater*Me (checks clock): 5:08
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day
COVID-19: Hold my beer
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.
Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
By far the dumbest thing I’ve made
[first day of school]
LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.
LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.
BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.
*i got to get into bed but theres a walrus in there*
*i ask him politely to move*
*he wont move*
*i have to sleep on the floor & im annoyed*
me: my pasta salad is cold
waiter: it’s meant to be
me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first
It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂
[First date]
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will
One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous
Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.
PSYCHIATRIST: You seem distracted.
ME: I have “Tom’s Diner” in my head.
PSYCHIATRIST: Haha… It’s a catchy song!
ME: Yeah, it is.
PSYCHIATRIST: How long has it been stuck in your head?
ME: Since 1987. That’s why I’m here.
DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord
DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?
DV: fire!
[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket