[in car on a road trip]
Me (checks clock): 5:07
*reads for a bit*
*scrolls emails*
*searches for radio station*
*eats a snack*
*knits a sweater*Me (checks clock): 5:08
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the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
*uses Oujia board*
SMELLS LIKE UPDOG
me: what’s updog?
NOT MUCH, DOG, JUST ABOUT TO POSSESS YOUR CAT
me: what
cat: what
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
3 weeks ago: I can’t get plastic bags for my groceries?!?!! 😠
Today: I can’t get groceries. 😑
If the old Superman cartoon had been made today, the first guy who thought the thing up in the sky was a bird would have doubled down on his mistake.
“Oh sure, the mainstream media will tell you that Superman isn’t a bird, but I’ve done my own research…”
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”
Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.
friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.
4: I need my princess dress NOW!
Me: You heard the lady! GET HER A PRINCESS DRESS STAT!
4: Who are you talking to?
Me: Your servants
4: I don’t have servants
Me: Exactly
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”
Me: Only 12 months to go
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”
This day in history. 1887. A farmer in Montana claimed he found a 15 inch long snowflake and his wife said that means it was about 3 inches.
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?
Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.
H:
Me:
H: I think it’s time to take a break…
Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.
H: …from twitter
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.