Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
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Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)
Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.
Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.
*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees
“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”
This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
My mom’s 60-something friend was set up with a 67-year-old guy who is “not looking for anything serious” in case you think that ever ends
alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*
Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*
Kid: Mom, will you play with me?
Me: Sure.
Kid: Okay, pretend you’re dead.
Me: This was the role I was born to play. *lays down and remains motionless for hours*
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: Sure!
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?
Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket!
#HatDadJoke
Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
“Rogue One” idea:
The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.
Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.
“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”
TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach“Your rescue request is very important to us…”
“I’m going to work.”
“Okay.”
“Will you miss me?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Gee, don’t sound so heartbroken.”
“NO! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!!”
“Now you’re just being patronizing.”
“What is it you want from me, Sue?”
In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.
The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline
My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.
In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
ME: So, where are the Hobbits?
GUIDE: Again, that’s Middle Earth. This is Central America.
ME: Ooh, right. *Whispers in fear* Orc territory.
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
W: OMG
M: I’m in a bar not far from there
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.