Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mmmmm white people

– sharks

Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?

Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.

Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?

Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer

Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?

Because I didn’t.

“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul

My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken

A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.

me: truth or dare

government: truth

me: is Wyoming real

government: dare

I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.

Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.

Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.

V-Day Single: “I am missing out on so much joy.”
V-Day, Dating: *stresses out over finding the perfect gift*
V-Day Married: “We should probably, like, go out or something.”
V-Day Married w/ Kids: “You need how many valentines? For people who can’t even read yet? By when?”

My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!

Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man

Daylight Saving Time is a scam. It was originally pushed through Congress by Big Candle.

For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:

“sry that wsnt for u”

Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.

My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.

Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.

If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.

I got new neighbors. Very noisy girls. I unsuccessfully asked them to lower their music severally. Unsuccessfully informed caretaker. So today, I’d had enough. I put on Spotify, tweaked the Sony system to 100, & left. My phone is ringing like nonsense. Unsuccessfully.

In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.

Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room

did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip

Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water

She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.

Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts

6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”

People overlook Dracula’s positive attributes. In his bat form, he eats mosquitoes and other unwanted backyard insects.