The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline
You Might Also Like
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.
They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”
They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!
GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
[job interview]
“Tell me a weakness.”
I never finish what I start.
“Care to elaborate?”
*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.
Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.
My loaf of bread looks terrified
Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.
“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone
good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab
The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.