Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.
I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.
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*zoom meeting*
Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion
Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
Standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinking… “I’m going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”
If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”
The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”
Me: [pokes Bruce Banner with a stick] why aren’t you angry? What’s your secret?
Dr. Bruce Banner: my secret? I’m always angry.
Me: Hi Always Angry! I’m Dad
The Incredible Hulk: are you happy now?
Me: no, I’m Dad
(doing standup routine)
Dating! Dating is tough man! I gotta explain the amulet that fuels my greed but also is the only thing keeping Beelzebub at bay?? After going on bumble it’s like screw it!
Beelzebub (cheering from the crowd): take the amulet off!
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”
Seat cushions are the original stool softeners
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit
Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie
May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]
Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,
work smarter, not harder
Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?
Paid. Gamer. Leave.
Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.