just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
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A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on
producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?
the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word
producer: sounds bad
the killers: its the greatest song ever written
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.
[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…
If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.
No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.
Me: I’ll have a medium coffee
Barista: That’ll be $3.95
Me: With a splash of almond milk
Barista: That’ll be $17.95
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand
[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.
In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”
Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”
I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.
[friend’s house]
ME: [trying to sound cool] Ooh! Is that EDM we’re listening to?
FRIEND: No, I’ve got gym shoes in the dryer, my wife is vacuuming, and the smoke alarm is going off.
(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”
washing hands before coronavirus:
– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off waterwashing hands after coronavirus:
– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one
*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening