Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.
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It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle
Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.
i love reading online product reviews because there will be 8,000 that say “this blender is amazing, highly recommended” and one that will be like “garbage, do not buy, i tried to blend concrete and a crowbar and the thing broke immediately”
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.
Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party
Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered
Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
pelicons
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
i wish all
whales
a very
big
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?
Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.
13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!
hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺
Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again
Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ
Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad