Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins
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My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes
I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…
i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side
Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside
*45 minutes later*
She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead
How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?
Is it four? Please say it’s four.
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.
This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.
He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.
me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat
Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”
Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice
robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
The MasterChef judges be like: “I’m so sorry, Jeff. You’ll need to say goodbye to the other contestants (sad)… because you’re going back to your station (yay)… to drop off your apron (sad)…and getting a new one (yay)…that says loser on it.”
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.
“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky
If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.