me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat
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Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.
Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.
My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house
“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
[date]
ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse
HER: *sits down* see it’s not hard to be complimentary
ME: u mean complementary
HER: *gets up*
Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.
I like that the doctor always asks if I’m a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit.
No shit? Thanks. Here’s all my money.
I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.
EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
Considering the fact that I’m still working in people’s homes everyday, if the coronavirus hasn’t killed me in a week, nothing can kill me.
Except bullets.
Bullets and gravity.
Also poison.
I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!
Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?
Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!
Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…
Him: Ok,enough FFS.
Me: oooo, angry!