Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.
Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.
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I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely
#have a #great #PancakeDay
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That’ll be $3.25
DUCK: Can you put it on my bill?
CASHIER: That’s not where it goes, silly
Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did
They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.
Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.
Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.
Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.
Aquaman: but-
Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.
“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”
– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.
ME: You mean, don’t take?
COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.
Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.
I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search
Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
Take it from me; I have reverse kleptomania.
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
*watches Forensic Files for tips*
*taps pencil*
*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*
*taps pencil*
*pauses*
*underlines it*
Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
The 50k lady’s grandfather left her money that he could’ve spent on himself, and she handed it to scammers. Folks, NEVER provide for your family
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood