Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.
Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.
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am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
Thoughts while driving:
-Hope that light stays green.
-Hope it stays yellow.
-Hope no one saw me run that red light.
My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
*gets down on one knee*
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
[Company Christmas luncheon]
Coworker: Nice, so you’re entering the ugly sweater contest?
Me: Ugly sweater contest?
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
is this a threat
Aw man, but that’s the best part
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
You’re not supposed to be your pet’s friend, your job is to make sure they get into a good pet college.
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.
Confused owl: What?!
You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me
We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too
me: this haunted house is so scary
wife:
me: look at all the spooky witches
wife: we are in a house of mirrors
me: oh no they seem mad
just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great