I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me
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at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.
*walks out of pharmacy*
Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-[semi-truck drives by]
Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?
Them: Why are you single?
Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.
Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.
If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*
You’re free now
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀
[During sex]
*Knock on the door*
Woman: Shit! It’s my boyfriend
Man: Oh shit!!! *Pulls out and jumps down from the bed* What do we do?
Woman: Hide in the closet. Quick!
Man: Okay, smart. Let me just…wait…
Woman: What?
Man: Karen, I’m your husband!
#SometimesForFun I update signs at work
I’m not paranoid but if you’re plotting against me let me know so I can prepare some snacks beforehand.
Are wings and mini tacos okay?
#Caturday
judge: are you the defendant?
me: haha yup, guilty as charged
my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*
me: um whats the policy on take backs here
I went upstairs to grab my charger I brushed my hair, picked up some dirty clothes, changed my sons diaper, put on deodorant, came back downstairs, vacuumed the entire first floor & picked up some toys. I just sat down to plug in my phone & realized I never grabbed the charger.
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?
Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.
Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any