The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
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My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old
I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”
???????????????????????
TEENAGE JAMES BOND: its actually just a learners permit to kill. I can kill, but only with an adult over 25 and not after 10pm
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
“If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, if I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave” – Me getting pulled over
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit
“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”
-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side
*giving my sister parenting advice*
Me: So, you lift them like this.
Sister: Okay.
M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.
S: [picks up pillow]
*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people
Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets
Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.
scoring in hockey: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in baseball: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in basketball: 2, 4, 6, 8, 10
scoring in tennis: love, 15, 30, 40, turkey sandwich, spider, 57, keanu reeves
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
Me My dog
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack
Anakin: you underestimate my power
Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*
my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.
If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and….
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying