It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
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I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down
ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS
My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*
[On a first date]
Her: So, what’s your favorite food?
Me: Bacon
Her: Okay. Who’s your favorite actor?
Me: Bacon
Her: I see. Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Bakin’
Her: (Deep Sigh) What do you do for work?
Me: I bring home the…
Her: WAITER CHECK PLEASE!!!
4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away
5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*
5:10AM: *alarm goes off*
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here
Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad
Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself
Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.
They’re the worst 😩
it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”
I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
Got very excited when I saw that Mastodon was trending. Was quite disappointed to discover that it had nothing to do with prehistoric animals.
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
when someone calls you and you miss the call but you call them back literally one second later and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did you drop your telephone in a well. did you get axe murdered.
My first child will be named New Folder.
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.
Romeo: *is added to DM room*
Juliet: *is taking a room break*
Romeo: *leaves room*
Juliet: *comes back from room break, sees Romeo isn’t there, leaves*
[removing powdered wig to reveal my son, a powdered wig]
SON: *powdered wig noises*
ME: *nods powderdedly*
I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.
WAITER: what can I get you?
ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having
WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*
*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them
Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.