Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.
You Might Also Like
There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.
wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]
I asked my son to turn down his music and he ‘okayed boomer’ me so now we’re turning off the wi-fi for a bit
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back
No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun
I’m two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can’t stop giggling because she just said hard on.
Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you
A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌
A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother
ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
let’s make a deal: if we’re both single when we’re 40 we’ll meet up together in a neutral area and hunt each other for sport
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY
People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
[Husband’s Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.
“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”
But she got me a shitty gift.
“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”
Well that’s a dumb policy.
HER: tell me about yourself
ME: I have a cat
H: cute
M: he likes music
H: cool
M: we’re in a band
H: weird
M: called Mewtallica
H: ok bye
I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door
My 4yo heard me say my shoulders were hurting and offered to give me a massage. She proceeded to punch and poke me a few times and then said “all done”. And honestly, I’ve paid for worse.
“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse