@1evilidiot
@TheToddWilliams [job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
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@TheToddWilliams 
@wotdluck Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
@TweetPotato314 waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
@JimmerThatisAll My good tweets are in my other pants.
@Lisa_Laughs_ Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
@wildethingy Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”
@rickkondell The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
@pharmasean Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
@Tbone7219 A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
@douglass_meghan My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.