BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.
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Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
My good tweets are in my other pants.
Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.