@1evilidiot

Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.

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@wotdluck

Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.

@TweetPotato314

waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?

hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing

@Lisa_Laughs_

Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”

@wildethingy

Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”

@rickkondell

The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.

@pharmasean

Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels

@Tbone7219

A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.

@douglass_meghan

My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.