No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)
You Might Also Like
my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”
I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.
[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal
Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here
Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician
You take the oxy out of oxymoron
Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
A friend sent me this.
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.
KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
why isn’t he texting back
[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: always
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.
i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking
“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”
{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”
Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.
My Wife wasn’t.
She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.
Odd, we don’t own a dog.
I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
regrets?
[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]
yeah i’ve got regrets
I wrote a song called “I’m Walking Up a Hill.” Here are the lyrics:
[panting]
[panting]
[panting]
Jesus H. Christ
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.