A friend sent me this.
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Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?
Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.
Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.
*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”
[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.
You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.
Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”
1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours
2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money
Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
Me: How much more oatmeal can you eat before you become a literary classic?
Donkey: What?
Me: *giggling* Donkey Oaty
[friend at his party] I think we’re just gonna keep spotify on for awhile
[me with a harmonica imprint in my pocket] cool my lips hurt anyway
Can’t wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries