I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
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‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
Times when calories don’t count:
1. Finishing the rest of your kid’s dinner
2. Taking Mom/Dad tax when you give your kid a snack
3. Spoons of Mac N Cheese straight from the pot
4. Any stress eating related to something your kid did
Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
The three things Im grateful for:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.
My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.
Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.
Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.
Me: I did not.
Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.
Me: I’m not feeding you.
Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.
Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.
even bears disappoint their mothers
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags
ME: Boy, the upstairs neighbors are sure noisy tonight.
WIFE: Y— wait. We live on the top floor.
ME: *remembering my promise to the brotherhood of dancing chimney sweeps* Boy, sure is windy, is what I meant to say.
Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…
coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes
is nasa ok
I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of