barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
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I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
The three genders.
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down
[dinner at brother’s house]
“So where are the kids?”
Brother: I grounded them.
*spits out meatloaf*
[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
Hello Twits.
Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.
[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
Hackers in movies think they’re so cool they can get any password in five mins flat. Well so can I. Just that it’s for my own accounts.
Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.