There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.
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Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up
I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone
My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.
announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!
audience member: you mean eligible?
announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do
Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
‘To do’ list:
1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*
Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.
I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily
Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.