I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
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Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
Noah could only fish twice.
Why?
He only had two worms.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)
Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.
Weirdos gonna weird.
Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?
“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.
I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
4yo: fold me like a towel
Me: what?
4yo: FOLD ME
Me: okaaay
4yo: stack me on top of the towels
Me: what?
4yo: STACK ME
Parenthood is wild
“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now
Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs
[a real exchange I had with my wife who was working in the garden]
Me, poking my head around the corner of the house: I’m going to the bank, need anything while I’m out?
Wife: what?
Me, louder: I’m going to the bank
Wife: what?
Me: I’M LEAVING YOU
Wife: ok
Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?
5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.
Apparently she learned bribery.
WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.